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I ask God for His forgiveness
I ask Him to heal my heart
Each night before I go to bed
I pray each morning for a brand new start

God whispered something
Directly into my ear
“My child, you need not worry,
Dry up your falling tears.”
“Forgiveness was GUARANTEED to you
The day I hung from that cross….
And wasn’t it THEN that I PROMISED
That with ME you’d NEVER be lost….??”

I began weeping heavily
Because my pain goes to my core
Attached to me are memories
Of events that I wish not to remember anymore
I WISH it were easy
For me to just forgive & forget
Forgive those that hurt me….
And forget the images in my head!

“Father, I have a question,” I began
“The men that raped me when I was seven?”
“HOW do I go about forgiving them?
To be HONEST, I don’t want to see them in heaven… ”

“Oh, dear…. when you FORGIVE,
“You are NOT saying everything’s ‘ok’
“But rather you are freeing YOUR SOUL,
“Allowing you to see a new day…. ”
“When you forgive someone who’s hurt you,
“Someone who’s brought to your life solely rain,
“You are standing up proclaiming your STRENGTH
No longer controlled by the pain…”

“So basically,” I concluded,
“Even if I FORGIVE them… it’s  REALLY so I can be set free?!?
“So once I TRULY forgive them,
“My heart will beat solely for ME!!!”

©Poe, 2013

© Poet4Life/Poe
(unless otherwise noted)

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Oh mother, oh mother
Why do you act like you do not know
You act like you don’t understand
Why I hate you so
It makes me absolutely SICK
That you simply have yourself convinced
Believing that there is NO REASON
That we cannot “harmoniously coexist”
Is it EASIER for you to live with yourself, “Mom”
The LIES you tell yourself…
do they allow you to see another day?
Must you live in a state of constant denial?
Is there REALLY no other way?

You sat and watched them rape me
Before the age of 7
YOU touched me in “naughty places”
I grew up, victim of your sexual obsession
Once upon a time, I admit…
I thought it was LOVE you showed me
While my juvenile heart cried out “LOVE”….
My physical body, mind and spirit disagreed
I’m 26 years old now, “mom”
My self – hatred, can you see?
I HATE that I mistook the abuse as LOVE and AFFECTION
I HATE that because of YOU… I am unable to LOVE *ME*

You say that I have NO RIGHT to be ANGRY with you
Oh, but that wasn’t ME….that was Murderous Moe
Yep, you met my FRIEND the other night…
I DARE YOU to F*U©K with ME again….
C’mon “mom”… FU©K with Poe

What’s the matter, “mommy”?
Are you afraid if youACKNOWLEDGEmy FRIEND
That it will make Murderous Moe *REAL*?
And that it would ultimately mean your END….?!?
Well, you are correct in that assumption
Would you like to know WHY…?
Why is it that Moe has it in for you…..
Why would she want you to say a final GOODBYE….?!?

Well, mother dearest,
The truth can’t you see?
I AM POE….. AND I AM MOE
HATE for *YOU* runs DEEP within *both* of “ME”
Although you JUST met Moe
She has been at my side for YEARS
Watching Poe be victimized
Unable to catch every free falling tear
Oh, yes, mother, do you see NOW?
When I was getting RAPED and BEAT, Moe was TOO
Only difference between her and I, “mom”
Is MOE has the *BALLS* to STAND UP TO YOU!!!!!

Try and convince yourself you’re JUSTIFIED
When you treat the damn ANIMALS better than your first born
Go ahead, kick me when I’m down
Moe will see to it that I *RISE* above this storm!

You look TERRIFIED, mother dearest
*What’d you say?* “What will Moe DO?!?”
Hahaha!!!!! She’s got the element of surprise, “mommy”
Let’s just say……watch your back AND “front”, too!!!
Moe is rather unconventional
Her ideas do NOT come from a book
But look deep into her eyes you’ll see MURDER, REVENGE
Go ahead, “mom”….. take a GOOD LOOK!!!!!
She might chop you up
She might tell your “dope connect” what you did back then
No matter what, YOU WILL PAY
Because remember….you didn’t hurt HER now
Worse… you hurt her as a KID!!!

Oh mother dearest, oh mother dearest
Why do you act like you do not know
You act like you do not understand
Exactly why I hate you so
I cannot comprehend
How you live in SUCH denial
SWEARING I was *never* abused
All the while MY LIFE is *STUCK* in a CONSTANT
DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Well maybe you need to lie to yourself
CONVINCE yourself that life was PERFECT years ago
Oh, but let me warn you NOW, mother dearest……
You have *NOT* seen the last of *Moe*………..

{ALL works,.unless otherwise stated, are property/copyright of Poet4Life (aka Poe)…. Thank you.}

© Poe

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I find myself
Stuck…
Stuck in this moment of time
It’s as if God reached his hand down
And grabbed life’s hourglass
To stop time
To leave me where I am
I
Am
Just
Here…
My eyes,
My mind
Play tricks on me
My own emotions
Are toying with my fragile heart
This beating organ of mine
Has become nothing more
Than a mere puppet
At the hands and mercy
Of HE WHO HOLDS THE STRINGS…
My very pain and suffering
Is just simply part of the act
As the tears begin to fall from my eyes
A roaring LAUGHTER
Fills the room
For it is MY pain
MY fears
MY TRUTH
That brings excitement to those around
Clouded by their stupidity
Or drowned out by their cruel laughter,
I do not know
But those who laugh…
The ones that call my flashbacks
“Fake”
The ones that laugh at me
When I wake in the middle of the night
Drenched in sweat and tears
Because of a nightmare….
Those that ARE laughing at such things
Must not truly know
What it means to be STUCK
Stuck in the moment
Stuck in your mind
Stuck in the past
Just…. STUCK…..
Because when my days become darkened by flashbacks
And my most BEAUTIFUL dreams
Are violated by nightmares
It is in the midst of these moments
In which I, once again,
Become
STUCK…..
Stuck “back then”
Unable to run away
Unable to wake up
Because the ghosts of my past
Are not through with me yet
Oh no….. They shall NEVER give up…

Ahhhhh… But don’t fret….
He who posses my heartstrings…
My beloved PUPPET MASTER….
Knows exactly what he’s doing
He parades my heart around the stage
And with every move of his fingers
My heart skips a beat
And it BREAKS just a little more
Each time
My heart lies in front of me
Helpless, lifeless
For when my puppet master introduced my heart to PAIN….
It suddenly forgot what
LOVE….
LIFE…
Looked like
Who could’ve predicted
That THIS MUCH HURT
Could cause a soul
To bleed for so long?

I yearn to be FREE….
Those around me think I AM….
No….. We, the SURVIVORS,
We shall never know
The likes of TRUE freedom
Because no matter how far we run,
No matter how good we hide
We were sentenced to LIFE with these memories….
In some form or another
We will ALWAYS
BE….
STUCK……..

(PS…… I know it’s rough but….cut me a LIL slack, lol……. I’m dealing with a SEVERELY PAINFUL back injury at the moment AND my computer just took a SHIT!   :-[  overwhelmed wouldn’t even BEGIN to describe my state right now….) 

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I hear the dishes breaking
Doors slamming
Holes being punched into walls
The ONLY difference
Between back then and now
Is the voice
The man that’s causing this havoc
This hell on Earth
Back then it was my stepdad
And generally I KNEW
What would make him
EXPLODE
Would I walk on eggshells back then?
Of course
But no hole in the wall
Or black eye
Or whooping with the “spikey belt” across the back
No amount of my blood shed
Wasn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed
Back then
I KNEW what I had to do
To make him content again
I just needed to lay down for him
Open my mouth
Spread my legs
I had to either let him inside me
Or one of his friends
(If he needed dope that day)
Usually it would take multiple rounds
Of the raping
To satisfy him
But after his hunger
For my 7yr old body was satisfied
I knew I would be okay
Until the next cup of water got spilled
Or the next time anything happened
But THIS TIME
This time I can’t fix everything
My roommate
Doesn’t wish to shove himself
In me…… On me
But it will continue to rain–
No pour–
Broken dishes & obscenities around me
Until somehow
At some point in time
He grows content again
There is often no warning signs these days
Except
The empty bottle of vodka
That sometimes spells out
D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R
So I lay here
26 years old
Hiding under my blankets
Like I’m 7 again
Because he has made my house unsafe to enter
Because my house is now
A battlefield
And the eggshells I walk on
Are like grenades planted meticulously around
Because one single wrong step
And
*KABOOM*
Shit his the fan once again
And in this war
I find that on this battlefield
I am
My only
Ally…….

© Poe / Baby Bird

Read more Poe @:
http://www.facebook.com/poet4life1
😉

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***DISCLAIMER ~ THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM ONE OF MY PRIVATE “FLASHBACK JOURNALS”!!!!  DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY MATTERS OF SEXUAL ABUSE.  I AM ONLY POSTING THIS BECAUSE I FEEL IT IS IMPORTANT FOR OTHERS TO KNOW THEY ARE NOT ALONE!!!***
~ Thank you, Poe ~

I see him standing there
In the shadows of the darkest corner
Illuminated by the hall light
Peeking through my bedroom door
If I didn’t know any better
I’d say an ANGEL had come to pay me a visit
Oh….but he WAS an “angel” alright
The angel of torture and pain
Angel of pure darkness
I pretend like I am asleep
Covered up, protected solely by my stuffed animals
But this doesn’t stop him
He tip-toes over to where I lay
Quietly brushes the “stuffies” aside
*Mustn’t wake up little sister*
As he lifts me up
Fear races through me
For I KNOW what is to come
As if I am the fortune teller at the county fair
Predicting ones doom
But there is NOTHING FALSE
About my prediction
He takes and lays me on his and mommy’s bed
“Rise and shine, now you’re mine” he says
Play time is over, my eyes shoot open

……………………..

I see mommy lying next to me
Nude
I see ‘daddy’ standing over me
Holding out a plate
With a line of dope for me
And then I see it…..him….
There’s another man in the room
A stranger
He stands there naked
I was 8
He couldn’t have been less than 30

”Listen up, lil bitch……”
Daddy says in me ear
“This here is my friend…..
“This dope is a present from HIM…..
“Now you pretend like he!s your daddy, too….
“Me, you, mommy and my friend….
“We’re ALL gonna have some FUN… okay???”

I nodded in obedience
Knowing that this…. *I*……
Was how they paid for their dope

So I snort the line I was given
Daddy KNEW that the dope made me NOT scared
No…..but when I was high
I somewhat ENJOYED all the men
As if my body was a New York Subway station
Each man — or woman — was just another customer
It gives me the CREEPS…. the ‘heeebee jeebees’
To know that a part of me ENJOYED this hell
How SICK am I?????
At eight years old
I enjoyed [at times] getting high and raped
Yes….. disgusting….. I know…..
I don’t quite know yet if that makes me a FREAK or what

At any rate
I snorted up my line
And the “fun” began
With Stranger and Daddy taking turns with me
And Mommy “playing” with me as well
This went on all through the night
More dope was passed out
Night turned into day
Little sister was sent off to school
I stayed home “sick”
‘Customers’ came and went
I was busier than the goddamn LAX
During Spring Break
Mommy & Daddy were content
They had their “free” dope
Each time someone came to the door
They had a bag with them
It was their ENTERANCE FEE to see me

I remember the prices
A dime bag = a blow job
A quarter = 20min with me
A “teener” = 1.5 hrs
An 8 ball = 3 hrs
Someone paid an ounce before
He kept me all weekend

I wished this day to be over
And finally when 1:30pm  rolled around
Almost time for lil sister to get out of school
It was time for the customers to leave
By the time little sister got home
I no longer needed to FAKE being sick
Because after the events of the day
I had never felt
More ill
In my life
………..

© Poe / Baby Bird

Read more Poe @:
http://www.facebook.com/poet4life1
😉

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**~•DISCLAIMER!!!!  Read 1ST•~**
_________________________________
••• EXTREMELY TRIGGERING POEM…… DETAILS A MEMORY/FLASHBACK OF MINE INVOLVING SEXUAL ABUSE AS A KID!!!!  DESCRIPTION IS EXTREMELY VIVID & QUITE DISTURBING.  PLEASE  READ WITH CAUTION •••
_________________________________

*A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES…*

They creep into your consciousness
They know exactly
Which images to show
At exactly the right time
These memories will haunt you
Until you take your last breath
Sheeeeiiittt …….
If a GROWN ASS MAN had to see what I saw
Every single day
He’d be on his hands and knees
Begging God for mercy
He would cry out,
Plead with God……
Try to bargain
Only to find that God
Would never answer

With the rising of the sun
And the  falling of each moon
The movies in my head
Rewind
Replay
Rewind
Replay……
Never do they fast forward or stop
Oh no…. God forbid…..
So I sit there, beneath the sunlight
I lie there, blanketed by the moon and stars
Watching my 7 year old body
Be passed around
Between 4, 5, 6 grown ass men
This is my first “job”…..
My MOM & STEPDAD are receiving my earnings
These men pay cash
Or simply give enough dope
And they’ve bought themselves a time slot
To fuck me
Suck me
Do whatever they wish to me
My stepdad holds my arms down
Although it’s been over a year
Since I’ve fought back
No….. I learned a long time ago
Not to resist
My mom sits watching
Her eldest daughter
Become a 7-year-old slut
After she snorts her dope
She grabs her vibrator
And shoves it deep into her pussy
She moans
Howls, like a werewolf under a full moon
As a single tear drop
Falls from my eye
My stepdad holds his position
My arms pinned above my head
One guy has his dick in my mouth
(And guys wonder why I’m so good at sucking cock….
I was in accelerated classes at a young age)
Cock in mouth,
Another in my pussy
It’s in this moment I think
That NO AMOUNT of emotional pain
Could be worse
Than the physical pain
I’m in now



The dick in my mouth


Retreats


And the dick in my pussy


Pulls out to “rotate”


To the next sick FUCK ‘in line’


Then I hear her


It’s my mom’s voice….


She’s getting closer…


HE (stepdad) releases one of my arms


My mom lays beside me


Her head rests upon my pale stomach


She reaches for my loose arm


Causing my fingers & her pussy


To make contact


I know what’s expected of me


This wasn’t a first


So I used my fingers


Played with mommy’s clit


‘Make mommy happy’ is what I’m told


In, out, in, out of her wet pussy


Then suddenly a pain shoots through me


Another dick has gone inside me


She  sticks my fingers in my mouth


As I lick her pussy juices clean off


Mommy moves her head higher up my chest


She reaches my still-immature


Pre-pubescent nipples


The dick down below


Jams me hard and fast


As my mommy sucks my nipples


HE had let loose of my other arm


Leaving my arms unattended


He goes to fuck mommy


(Her sucking my nipples


Makes him particularly excited)


My pussy is in ROTATION again…..


(I hope this is the last one…..)


At least THIS guy is more GENTLE…..


It doesn’t hurt AS MUCH…….


Mommy sucks and bites on my nipples


As HE fucks her


Dick #5 pulls out


And mommy and HIM finish up


And for tonight…..


No…… For this moment……


I am done with my duties

The adults flock
To the corners of the room
To smoke our snort up their “treats”
I lay there, still, silent, naked
Unable to move out of pain
And humiliation
My little body can’t take
Anymore

But suddenly I am 7 no longer
I find myself quivering, shaking
Sweating profusely
I am no longer a helpless child
I am just a scared, scarred
26 year old young woman
With a LIFETIME of memories
That lie ahead………

© Poe / Baby Bird

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Countless days have elapsed
It has been well over 10 years
I beg the poet that rests within me
To write away the approaching tears 
Oh writer within, oh writer within
Free me from this mental HELL
My spirit boasts shackles of gold
My heart  rots away in this epidermal cell
I’ve been sent away
Despite the fact that I’m here
I was sentenced  to life
I was told to no longer fear
Locked away,  in a place so distant
Even the caged bird refuses to sing 
I look all around
I see not one “inmate” recovering 
For I have come to learn
That I am not alone in this “mental prison”
For it is home to many
It IS our “witness protection”
We shall guard our own hearts and minds  
Protect our souls from those who wish to invoke pain
We will stand tall, hand in hand
As SURVIVORS–not victims–of the RAIN!
Years ago,  when we were just children
We were beaten and abused
Our souls and spirits
Walked around aimlessly lost and confused
Today we join forces
We stand proud and stand tall
Yes we were abused
But we survived it, after all
I shall remain locked up  behind these bars
For an indefinite amount of time
For SOMEONE must receive punishment
So I am left with nightmares & memories, Remnants of THEIR crimes!

© Poe / Baby Bird

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